Monday, February 12, 2007

"I love her so muuuuuch!"

Having a child is a scary experience. Not just labor and delivery. Heck, it seems like women in general are prepared for that part of it, if anything from our own mothers describing their experience any time they need to guilt us into something: "I went through (any number here) hours of labor with you, and this is the thanks I get?"

No, I'm talking about the scary part. The "this tiny human being is dependent on me for everything" part. I felt that the minute my mom walked out the door to return home, which was 13 hours away. I was on my own in "mom" world. Not completely alone...Big Dad was there with me. But he wasn't able to be there for the type of things mom's are there for: what to do when nursing hurt, or how much of this gunk do you use for diaper rash. My daughter was already two weeks old, and I still had this "how do I know what she will need and when she will need it" feeling.

One morning, Big Dad was at work. I was up early and decided to actually get a shower before Emily woke up. I showered as fast as I could, and as soon as I turned the water off, I could hear Em crying. It was a desperate cry, and I could not get dressed fast enough. You know how it is trying to get clothes on when you're just slows the whole process down.

I threw on my clothes, opened the door, ran through one bedroom, the living room, and finally to my own room, and found myself by her bedside. She was crying hard now, and for a split second the thought raced through my mind, "What do I do?" I picked her up, pulled her close to me....and silence. Complete silence except for those small hiccup-type sniffles that follow a hard cry. The wave of emotion that washed over me at that moment was overwhelming. Have you ever seen the movie "Raising Arizona?" This couple kidnaps one of five todders from a rich family in town because, " they got more'n they kin handle." The husband hands the kidnapped baby to his wife, she holds him for a split second then bursts into tears, all the while saying, "I love him so MUUUUUUCH!" Yeah. I was completely in touch with that emotion.

In that moment I realized that while this little human was completely dependent on me for everything she needed, her needs were something I looked forward to meeting because her love was there, so unconditionally and vulnerably, and that was all I needed. From that point on, the challenge of motherhood was mine to take on, and I loved the challenge. Big Dad was there, too, being a Dad and loving her the way Dads love daughters, but on that day my role as Mom was solidified by a complete and total love that has probably been present since the dawn of motherhood, and one that only my Savior can surpass.


Michelle said...

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Anonymous said...

Sure enjoyed reading your blog. Made my day. Keep up the good work

Love you more!!